Children of the Heavenly Father
Safely in his bosom gather
Nestling bird or star in heaven
Such a refuge ne'er was given.
God his own doth tend and nourish
In his holy courts they flourish
From all evil things he spares them
In his mighty arms he bears them.
Neither life nor death shall ever
From the Lord his children sever
Unto them his grace he showeth
And their sorrows all he knoweth.
Though he giveth or he taketh
God his children ne'er forsaketh
His the loving purpose solely
To preserve them pure and holy.
- Children of the Heavenly Father, Carolina Sandell Berg
By gracious powers so wonderfully sheltered
and confidently waiting come what may,
we know that God is with us night and morning,
and never fails to greet us each new day.
Yet is this heart by its old foe tormented
still evil days bring burdens hard to bear;
Oh, give our frightened souls the sure salvation,
for which, O Lord, you taught us to prepare.
And when this cup you give is filled to brimming,
with bitter suffering hard to understand,
we take it thankfully and without trembling
out of so good and so beloved a hand.
Yet when again in this same world you give us
the joy we had, the brightness of your sun,
we shall remember all the days we lived through
and our whole life shall then be yours alone.
By gracious powers so faithfully protected,
so quietly, so wonderfully near,
I'll live each day in hope, with you beside me,
and go with you through every coming year.
- By Gracious Powers, Dietrich Bonhoffer
The past 36 hours. . .
The past 36 hours have encompassed the most difficult, most heart-breaking thing I have ever done as a minister, and one of the most painful and sorrowful things I have ever done in my life.
All day yesterday I was at the hospital keeping vigil with a family awaiting a birth that we all knew would be stillborn.
In the early hours of this morning, with the same thumb that had anointed her aunt and grandma's foreheads with ash only last Wednesday, this morning with that same thumb I anointed little Lily Kathryn's forehead with oil and commended her into the mighty arms of our heavenly Father.
All my carefully constructed theologies of theodicy - all those haunting questions that I'd worked so hard to work out while in seminary - all my supposed answers crumbled as I held that beautiful lifeless baby. Today I'm ready to trade in all the free will in the world if it means no one has to bear this kind of senseless pain ever again.
I've been rationalizing all day, telling myself there's a hidden blessing in what happened, that it spared Lily's parents from having to make even more difficult decisions regarding her medical care had she been born live. And that may even be true. And some if not all of the family may even agree with me. But that's still pretty cold comfort in a room full of broken dreams and broken hearts that were so ready, so willing, so excited to love this little girl into the world.
The thing that's kept me grounded at all today, the thing that keeps invading my consciousness, especially when another wave of grief washes over me, are hymns. Two hymns in particular, both written out of their author's own unspeakable sorrow.
Children of the Heavenly Father is what my soul keeps turning to as I think of Lily, the child already safely in God's bosom gathered, and her family, the children who are still here, who are not forsaken and yet, are left to lament the life that was taken from them.
By Gracious Powers is what my soul keeps turning to for myself, because I certainly did not take this cup thankfully and without trembling, but I long for a faith that would.
I believe Lord.
In your power. In your goodness. In your mercy.
In the gift of new life, every day, here and now.
In the gift of eternal life, in the resurrection of the dead.
Help my unbelief.
5 comments:
Oh, my. I can hardly imagine the heartbreak. A friend and colleague had the same experience a few years ago, and said many of the same things: that it was, simultaneously, the best and worst moment of her ministry. Thank you, on behalf of the whole church, for being with the family in their grief. Hang onto the hymns. I'll be praying for you.
Dear Catrina, You are such an amazing pastor and human being. I echo the sentiment -- on behalf of the church I thank you for being with this family during this tragic time. Thank you for sharing this story. Terri
Peace to you, Catrina, and to the parents. It doesn't get any tougher. Martin Luther, in letters written after his own daughter died, said it was the most severe temptation to lose his faith he'd ever experienced. Deep admiration for your faithful being-with-others, a witness to God's action in Christ for us.
Peace,
Chris
Thanks for this. Keep on singing.
In my first year and a half in my first call I had to deal with 7 baby deaths: a couple stillbirths, a couple SIDS, 2 preemies, and a botched delivery. I clearly remember stepping out of the hearse at the cemetery on a bitter cold winter day and the funeral director asking me to be the sole pall bearer. I carried that tiny casket to the grave side and preached some far-too-insubstantial words in the face of that loss. And the left the casket sitting there and turned back to our warm cars.
So I know what it's like. Thanks for being a preacher who knows how to bring a word of life in the midst of death.
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