Ash Wednesday Blues

Normally, I love Lent. Normally, Lent and Advent are my two favorite seasons of the church year. And I was all about Advent this year, had my planning done early, did some cool creative stuff that I was totally stoked about.

But I have been dreading Lent. For weeks. No energy, no creativity, no interest in planning for it whatsoever. I have done the bare minimum to prepare for it, and have become noticeably anxious and agitated over it the past couple weeks as it's drawn ever closer.

And yesterday I finally figured out why: it's because last year's Lent was so awful. Not in terms of worship and planning and all that, but in terms of what was happening to my people, all the dustiness that was afflicting them. Two days after Ash Wednesday, Peg had a major stroke, a few days after that, Lily died, and on and on it went - in sum, I think I spent 30 of the 40 days visiting someone at one hospital or another.

And as another Lent rapidly approached, it brought with it the memories of all the awfulness we lived through in this season last year, brought with it some terrors that this Ash Wednesday, too, would kick off another cycle of pain and misery.

And the thing is - the actual anniversary of these events is still a couple weeks away. Lent started earlier this year, but in my mind these horrible happenings are so closely tied to Ash Wednesday that I'm already reliving the grief now.

That is the one problem with these movable feasts - because they are not tied to a solid date on the calendar, they can draw out grief and anxiety at weird times, in weird ways. Like, Grandpa Ed died solidly in Lent. Even though Lent moves around, there is no way that the anniversary of his death will ever fall outside of Lent, so my grief for him doesn't take me by surprise or come in multiple waves, because it always happens "when it's supposed to." But in the year that Nana Ciccone died, she died 10 days after Easter, we buried her 2 days before my 30th birthday, and I came back to PA just in time for the bishop's retreat. The following year, my birthday and the actual day of her death stayed the same, obviously, but Easter was several weeks earlier, and bishop's retreat was also moved, and because I associated her death with all these events, the grief hit me anew with each one, and basically meant I was sad and irritable for about two months straight.

And so now too with Lily - even though we are still a couple weeks away from the anniversary of her death, because I associate it so strongly with Ash Wednesday, grief is already messing with me.

At this rate, it's going to be a long Lent, no matter what happens this year. . .

Peace,
C.

The Price of Perfection

I was just getting my start in Original Oratory around the same time as the Lillehammer Olympics. That year I developed a whole new appreciation and empathy for the figure skaters. On the face of it, oratory and figure skating are entirely different skill sets, but the end goal of both is the same: an incredibly polished performance that looks absolutely effortless.

And in both, should you happen to make a mistake early on, you know you're done, you know you've shot your chance at the gold, and all you really want to do is sit down right then and there and cry. But you can't - you have to keep going and finish the speech, finish the program, as flawlessly as possible. You have to keep going and still make it all look as effortless as possible, even though your mind is now raging in replay mode, trying to figure out where you went wrong, cursing your stupidity, paranoid that you'll stumble again.

So, here's hoping that none of the skaters tonight have to live through that, because it's an awful feeling. May all their programs go off without a hitch, and may the best performance win! :)

Stupid Criminals

A word to the wise: if you're going to rob someplace, don't do it on foot in the middle of a snowstorm.

In another case of truth being stranger than fiction, the noon news reported that a neighboring town's CVS was robbed early this morning. The burglar has already been apprehended and taken into custody, however, as the police merely followed the burglar's footprints in the snow, which conveniently led right to their home. I'm assuming, when questioned, they tried to claim they had been inside all day, waiting out the storm. Unfortunately, their soaking wet sneakers told a different story.

Me and My Shadow

Alex was so adorably awesome yesterday. First, his parents told me that when they pulled into the parking lot, he asked them if he would see God in church today. That fit so well with the first reading, the call of Isaiah, that I ditched my planned children's sermon, and we just riffed on that statement and the story of Isaiah and where and how we see God today.

Then, during the announcements (which we do after the peace and before the offering), he walked up to me, so I asked "Do you want to help me make the announcements?" "Uh-huh." So I held his hand and he stood up front with me while I spoke. When announcements were done, he wanted to stick by me, and I'm all about creating space for children in worship, letting them share and engage in the ways that they are able, so during the offering he helped me set the table, and he also helped receive the offering (the ushers bring the bread and wine forward with the offering plates - normally the assisting minister takes the plates, and I take the bread and wine, but this day I gave Alex the basket of bread and I just took the chalice of wine).

Then he stood behind the altar with me for the communion liturgy - and he started to mimick my movements(!), from orans to hands folded in front of me, back to orans. This was too cute in itself and made me start to smile - though the assisting minster and I were the only ones who could see it, as Alex was fully behind the altar, which is taller than he is. Then, the best part - 2/3 of the way through the eucharistic prayer, he started to echo everything I said - so all of a sudden I heard the prayer coming back at me from 3 feet below! I almost lost it at that point, but paused for a brief second, smiled widely as I took a deep breath, then kept going.

Once again, he preached a better sermon than I did, using hardly any words. I spoke about call, trying to break out of the notion that "call" is language exclusively for pastors; emphasizing that just as there are a variety of gifts and a variety of members in the body, so too there are a variety of calls, and a variety of ways in which they come; pushing my parishioners to consider what their callings are. Alex was a living sermon, embodying the joy of doing what you feel called to do.

Apparently after worship, Alex told his parents that he wants "to be like Pastor C" when he grows up. Several of the adults also commented about him having "found his calling" as they came through the line after service. I don't know what God has in store for this little guy, but I do know at the ripe old age of 2, he's already preaching and teaching tremendous things to his sisters and brothers in faith.

And that's exactly why I'm so in favor of keeping kids in worship and creating space for them to be involved - you never know what they are going to do or say, but 95% of the time, they'll break open the whole experience in a profound way.

How Do I KNOW That Guy???

I thought the Doritos commercials were the best of the bunch during last night's Super Bowl. As we're watching the "samurai" one, I kept thinking "I know I've seen that guy (the one who gets the "Dorito star" in the neck) in something, but what and where?"

It was still bugging me this morning, so I tried googling it - get a hit on WCCO - it turns out he is from the Twin Cities, that commercial was filmed there. I get a name, Mike Rylander. So I look him up on imdb - he's originally from North Dakota, had small parts in a few things, but I haven't seen any of them. . .so how do I know this guy? Was he in some local live theater production that I saw long ago? Did he go to St. Olaf with me? It's such a small Lutheran world - is he a friend of a friend? It's really bugging me that I can't figure it out.

Finally it clicks, later this morning, when I happened to be on the phone with my mom. I think I freaked her out because all of a sudden, apropos of nothing, I yelled out "He's Noah!" And she's like, "What? Who's Noah?" And I say, "That guy from the Super Bowl commercial - he's been playing this character Noah in the Augsburg Fortress VBS curriculum the past few years, that's why he looked so familiar!"

Another mystery solved! :)

The Politics of Snow

I have two thoughts on this fine February morning. . .

The first is: PA weathermen are full of crap. Most of the time they get everybody freaking out about "major snowstorms" that turn out to leave an inch of snow on the ground, if that. This time, they totally downplayed this Nor'easter, saying it's going to hit hard in the VA/DC/MD area south of us, but then head out to sea before it came this far north - Lewisburg was supposed to get "a dusting - maybe up to 2 inches."


My car had 5 inches of snow on it this morning.


Ah well, at least I finally got to use my new shovel. :)


My second thought, on a related note: It is days like today that I really wish we had assigned parking. I just spent 50 minutes digging Hermes the Honda out - and I don't mean just brushing all the snow off, I mean clearing a 2-3 foot perimeter all the way around the car. I did it because I am Minnesotan and that's what we do - when snow falls we don't sit on our butts and wait for it to melt, we dig ourselves out. I also did it because I don't want to be wading through 5 inches of snow tomorrow when I am dressed up for church. I also did it because right now the snow is relatively light and easy to move - the more it gets compacted from people driving or walking on it, the heavier it will get, the icier it will get, the more treacherous it will be to walk on, and the more labor intensive it will be to move - so I struck while the snow was still cold, if you will. But I have someplace I have to be later today, and I know as soon as I leave, one of my neighbors is going to go pull into the spot I so nicely cleaned out. If we had assigned parking, they couldn't do that. . .hmm, maybe I can rig up something to block the space off, and leave a note saying they are welcome to borrow my shovel and dig out their own darn spot.